When God tugs at your heart

There are times in your life when you know God is tugging. Times when you feel like maybe your imagining it and times when you have no doubt. But, what about those times you hear His call but have no idea how to answer it? What if someone else must be in agreement for it to happen - and they aren't. Or if there are other seemingly insurmountable obstacles? Then what? I just don't know.

What I don't understand is why? Why is that same little face still there? Why am I so drawn to it? I wish I knew God's plan. For him. For us.

Life can be such torture sometimes

Just when I thought we had it all figured out! So, maybe he is gifted. He definitely sees things a bit differently! Unfortunately the new school wasn't the answer I dreamt of. So, a few weeks ago we made the big jump to medication. I think the doctor was a little surprised at how quickly I jumped at the idea; but after 9 years I am completely out of ideas. And maybe hope. The medication was an absolute miracle for the first few days and ever since the dosage just isn't right. It is such torture to feel so close then have the rug yanked out from beneath you. Someday. Oh someday, I pray we have an answer.

Answers? Answers! Answers?

I knew I wasn't crazy. I really knew it. Somewhere deep, really deep, inside I knew I wasn't crazy. There had to be an answer. All my years of experience had to have amounted to something. Not to mention a mother's intuition. I've learned to trust that intuition over the years and I don't think it has failed me yet. But what happens when you can't get anyone else to trust it? What happens when the doctors tell you you're parenting wrong, the therapists say they "just don't see it", and the teachers declare, "he's an angel"? What happens then? The feeling of being alone was persistent. There was hardly a day that went by when I didn't try to analyze and figure out what I might be missing. I probed the internet, the library and everyone I could get to talk to me! As we trudged from appointment to appointment year after year I prayed fervently that this would be the answer we were seeking. Perhaps this would be the beginning of the end. Therapy, surgery and books could not alleviate my fears though. They could not "fix" my child. Did he need fixing? Or did I? Why couldn't I find the answer? It had to be out there, but where? So I talked and I read and I researched and I talked some more. To anyone who would listen. Then one day, I talked to the right person.

It was certainly not an encounter that I expected much from. I was never even introduced to the woman but I knew who she was. As our hurried conversation wrapped up she rattled off a couple of web sites she thought I should look up. I was able to remember only one of them but I was immediately struck by the name of it alone. The name suggested the complete opposite of everything we'd ever thought about this kid. And yet, as I mulled it over there were some signs over the years too. Seemingly isolated events that when looked at together made me wonder - could she be right? What had I said that led her to that conclusion so quickly?

As soon as I was able to I searched the web site. Maybe I should say I devoured the web site - absorbing every detail I could. I was very skeptical that this would "fit" let alone be so simple. What I read did not tell me how to fix things or make my child easy-going. Nothing I read suggested he ever would be either. And yet I was comforted. Comforted by the fact that I was not alone. By the fact that maybe we had an answer! My own pre-conceived ideas had to be corrected considerably though as I realized this was not something as wonderful as most people think it is. So many assumptions are made regarding these kids and that isn't something likely to change. I could not expect understanding from those who hadn't walked this path. In fact, it would be best if I didn't even mention it to others - at least not to suggest it as a problem in any way. I don't have a problem with keeping it quiet though. After all these years it doesn't matter anymore - just having an answer is all that matters to me. (Which is why this will be the only post you'll probably ever see directly addressing this.)

Unknowingly this child had been given a test that would help us to know if this indeed was what we were dealing with. We only had to wait about a month to find out. After eight years, another month didn't seem to matter - especially since there is no "cure." Well about two weeks ago our answer arrived in the mail. I saw the envelope in the stack of mail and quickly opened it first. Scanning the first paragraph, I found what I was looking for but hadn't fully decided if I wanted to see. "The team recommends that your child be placed in the Aspire Program." There it was, simple as that. There was no hundred pound weight lifted from my shoulders, no immediate gratification. I simply sat there with butterflies in my stomach wondering how this could be and not letting myself get my hopes up too high even yet.

I've spent the last two weeks wondering how we could have missed this and simultaneously reading and learning how. I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. And maybe most importantly - neither is my child. Each step we take now will be carefully measured. The school will have a much bigger responsibility as will I in making sure they are doing all that they can for him. If he is able to attend the recommended class in the Fall it will not be an easy transition for him. And yet as Rick and I sat in a room packed with the parents of other kids who were recommended to this program and listened to the descriptions of these kids - we knew we wouldn't be alone.

Gifted. Seriously. Our child is gifted and we have a lot to learn.

The "Good" Mom

"You're such a good mom."

Really? Hm. Thanks.

What is a good mom? What makes other people say that? Is it something that is said just to be nice or does it really mean something? What about if it is said about you when you aren't around? Or if it is said by multiple people?

I'll be honest, I don't think I'm a good mom. Pretty good, maybe, but "good"? I just don't know. As I've watched other people parent over the years though I've come to think there are really very few truly "good" moms out there. Sad but true. Volunteering in my kids classrooms has driven that home more than anything else ever has. There are kids who's parents never take the papers out of their backpacks/notebooks and moms who don't ever show up for their kids events (or send a substitute). Apparently taking our kids to neat places is unusual. You know, OMSI, camping, the coastal lighthouses or old Army forts, and even just down to a creek to throw rocks. There are parents who don't do those things with their kids! So what do they do? I'm not sure. Most of our outings are simply out of desperation. I can't handle the arguing or just sitting around the house so we head out to do something. So, because we do it to alleviate my own sense of desperation I don't think of it as a "good" mom thing to do. Doesn't a "good" mom do those things because she loves spending time with her kids? Doesn't a "good" mom just plain love doing those things? I don't like playing with my kids much either. Oooo - that probably wasn't a very smart thing to say. But really, I just don't have a clue how to play Army guys or race cars. I can occasionally handle playdough. I usually spend any time playing with my kids thinking of all the things I could be getting done. It's boring, ok, there, I've said it. Now I probably qualify as a "bad" mom.

Don't get me wrong, I do love being with and doing things with my kids. But I don't live for it and there are certainly other things I enjoy doing.

I guess what it comes down to, in my oh-so-humble opinion, is how much you are willing to give up for your kids. Having kids is a choice and to me making that choice is also making the choice to forgo your own interests until they are grown. I don't just mean once in a while or most of the time. It is all the time. I don't care if you feel like it, you don't get that option anymore. If money is tight and everyone needs a haircut - the kids get it and your hair just keeps growing. The same pair of tennis shoes for three years? Yep, and the kids get new ones every three to six months. Too tired to drag kids to the grocery store? Too bad, take a deep breath, suck it up and find a way to get through it! It's an everyday, all the time thing. There are a few dinners that I LOVE but haven't had in years because my kids won't eat it. That doesn't mean I cook only for them either though! It is just less important for me to get what I want now.

I know there are those who will argue that you can't give up yourself for your kids. It's not healthy, the kids need to see you working and going out. They shouldn't always come first and you should still have a life. Honestly - that's a bunch of crap. All I hear in that is selfishness. "I need to work to maintain my sanity, or keep up my license, or interact with other adults." "They love to go to daycare and play with all their friends." "We go out every week and the kids love their babysitter." I just don't think so. That's all crap. Your kids should know that nothing else comes before them (other than God or your spouse). You are setting the example for how they will parent your grandchildren! If you need to work so badly then you shouldn't have had children. Seriously.

So what makes a good mom? Feeding them healthy food? Having them on a schedule? Putting them to bed by 8:00. Reading to them? Oh, the list could go on and on. Maybe you have to have a certain number of those things before you qualify? Of course it is all a bit subjective too. There are those who will argue that feeding your children organic foods is the only responsible thing to do or that co-sleeping is best. I'm really not sure though. When people tell you you are a "good" mom, to what are they referring? In what way? I just feel like I could be so much better. There is more I could give up and more I should be doing. My computer time or t.v. time would be much better spent fixing healthier meals, drilling kids with flashcards or playing. Loving your kids isn't enough to make you a good mom. Let's face it, there are plenty of women who love their kids but are terrible moms.

I guess I'd like to know what exactly it is that I do that might make someone say that I am a good mom. Do they wish they could parent more like I do? Do they just think I'm a really nice mom (boy they wouldn't have seen me at my finest then!). Or is there something in particular I do that makes them say that? I don't suppose I'll ever know. One thing I do know though is that I've only ever met a couple of truly "good" moms myself.

And don't even get me started on being a good wife!

So how do you buy a house?

Do you buy it because you like it, your spouse likes it, your family likes it. Or do you look at floor plan, resale and location. Maybe a little of everything? What if you love the house but the location stinks? Maybe the other way around. We tend to think a lot about resale based on our past history! But what if we are planning to stay for the long haul this time? Is resale as important? I wish I knew.
We've made offers on two houses. One isn't going to happen which is ok. The other we don't know, the realtor won't return our realtor's calls - that's not looking good. So on a whim yesterday we went by one we had briefly looked at before. It is an older house with a lot of charm. I love older houses especially the fact that their floor plans aren't cookie cutter like modern houses. This one has been pretty well updated but does still need all new windows and since it has been empty for a long time it needs a LOT of yard work. It also has 200 feet of creek frontage and almost an acre and a half. Sounds wonderful? It is located on a really busy road. And just over the border for the schools we want. Ok, schools could probably be worked out, maybe even busing. But the busy road? If it were even a mile further down the road I probably wouldn't be concerned.
so how important is location if you like the house and don't plan to move for many years? It isn't like we're talking freeway busy or even city street. But a pretty busy country road that leads to the entrance of the local four year university almost across the street. Opinions? I'm interested in them.

Growing old gracefully?

Well, I'm getting older. I'm not sure when that reality hit the hardest - when my firstborn had his tenth birthday, the second time I bought alcohol and didn't get carded (even though I had it in my hand and ready!), or when that darned scale refused to go down anymore! It seems like lately though the signs are appearing more and more often. My heart literally sunk a bit when the clerk handed me my receipt without asking for my id. I discretely tucked it back in my wallet hoping that no one had seen! Such a strange feeling. I clearly remember being told that someday I'd appreciate being told how young or cute I was. I think the sun is beginning to rise on that day. No one will ever mistake me for an eighteen year old again! Not too long ago I saw a picture of myself and a more recent one confirmed what I'd hoped had just been my imagination - I've got wrinkles! Not major ones, but I am starting to look well, old. I'd smugly noticed it in a picture of a friend not too long ago (who shall remain nameless!) and now there it was staring back at me!

This morning I lay in the doctor's office waiting for that oh-so-exciting annual appointment all women must endure. I was acutely aware of my feelings at the moment and thinking about the many times I'd been on those tables waiting to hear my baby's heartbeat, or have my growing belly measured (I'm certainly grateful they aren't measuring that belly anymore!). The happiness of those days seems so long past sometimes. Yet, I also realized that I don't feel any different than I did then. I don't feel ten years older. I dawned on me that if I were to be having a baby now I would be considered high risk due to my age and the baby would have the increased odds of various birth defects. But I don't feel ten years older!

Life is changing. The gray hair is growing faster than the colored and Sally Beauty Supply is becoming a regular stop on my shopping rounds. The scale will never again allow me to wear a size 6 (ok probably not even an 8 and I'm afraid 10 could be not too far off!). The medications in the cupboard are beginning to stack up. It's strange. I don't feel old. I'm really not old. But I have realized that teenagers no longer look at me as someone they can relate to - to them, I'm old.

So, when I asked the doctor about my recent weight gain I'm not sure what exactly I was feeling as she circled my age and told me that that was the reason. Was she giving me permission to gain weight? Was she saying kiss that old body goodbye? I think I heard something more like, "It's ok. Quit stressing about it." Sounds so simple. But how do I let it go and accept that without also accepting what it means? I'm getting older. Things change. No wonder they call it mid life, you're neither young or old! There are a lot of thoughts going through my mind and none of them are easy to get down. It is just strange. Not sad, not scary, just strange. I'm waiting for these feelings to fade and for this to become the new normal. I am afraid that may never happen though. I'm not sure we ever feel as old as we are! Life is changing isn't it.

X marks the spot

What is it about house hunting? I know exactly what I want but it doesn't exist! That happens to me at the fabric store a lot too but that's another post! Anyway, we have spent the last two weeks looking at or planning to look at houses in our area. My first and biggest concern was to keep Trace at his current school. He has already moved schools 4 times and he is just going into 5th grade. I want him to have some lasting friends and to fit in and I worry that constantly moving him will destroy his chances at that. So we have limited our search to only our school boundaries. We have good taste apparently. This seems to be one of the most expensive and stable areas around which means there is nothing we can afford. So this week we expanded our search to within 5 miles of our school and figured we could try for a boundary exception and I'd just take the boys to school. I did it for three years when Trace was in private school so I can do it again. Unfortunately that was causing me some serious stress and upset stomachs. I didn't want to tell Rick because then he'd get upset at me for worrying about schools again. But seriously, next year Trace will start school at something like 7:30, Paige starts at 8:15, and Caden starts at 8:30! So do I take all of them when I leave with Trace at 7am or leave the youngest two at home and just take him then come back and take them (ok, that's not really an option). So maybe you can see why that was a little stressful for me. THEN...
I was in the pool with the boys yesterday and telling them about a couple of the houses we had looked at. I told Trace that he wouldn't be able to ride the bus but that I'd make sure he still got to his school (not having a clue how). That's when he says, "I'll go to a different school Mom, it's not like I haven't done it before and I'm moving to middle school anyway so what's the difference." Had my child sized floaty been sunk just a bit more in the water I probably would have choked when my jaw dropped! (As it is both boys shrieked in amazement when I got off of it and it had formed an indent where my lovely body had been - nice). So back to the school issue... I drilled him on his motivations and asked him what about friends etcetera. One big issue though is that he doesn't really have any close friends. There just hasn't been anyone that he really bonded with. He always has before so is it one too many school moves or just no one there like him? A new school might give him the opportunity to find that best buddy that every kid needs. However, moving schools is not such a simple issue as walking in and registering. Trace is allergic to peanuts remember? So it will involve transferring his 504 plan to a new school and possibly a new district, educating the staff and getting to know the staff well enough to trust them. Not to mention I've gotten quite comfortable there and feel like I know a lot of people. I'm sick of starting over. I'm sick of educating the world about peanut allergies. But I do want my own home. So that brings us back full circle to the horrible house issue. What we can afford and what we like are two completely different things. Because we lost our shorts on the house in Chicago we have no down payment and because of this stinking economy Rick hasn't moved up the pay scale as planned, we are in a rotten spot. If we settle on something older there could be more maintenance issues. If it needs updating where is that money going to come from and just when does Rick seriously think he'll find the time to do it? If we look in the higher brackets we have to get help and it is no longer "our" house. We feel indebted and tied to the apron strings. So which is it? Of course now that Trace has allowed us to broaden our search we still have to narrow in on only the "good" schools and districts. Does this sound like fun? My stomach is starting to churn again. Oh and lets not forget the debate between a neighborhood and property which is a huge issue. My house is falling apart around me and I took a nap this morning. I know the nap was my way of escaping - maybe I'll go take another. If I sleep long enough will this nightmare be over? I am praying hard for God's guidance but He isn't exactly putting a huge red x on the house He wants for us. I know we are going to have to take a few steps and see if He paves the way or the bottom falls out in order to know some answers. But dang I wish there was a red x somewhere!