Growing old gracefully?

Well, I'm getting older. I'm not sure when that reality hit the hardest - when my firstborn had his tenth birthday, the second time I bought alcohol and didn't get carded (even though I had it in my hand and ready!), or when that darned scale refused to go down anymore! It seems like lately though the signs are appearing more and more often. My heart literally sunk a bit when the clerk handed me my receipt without asking for my id. I discretely tucked it back in my wallet hoping that no one had seen! Such a strange feeling. I clearly remember being told that someday I'd appreciate being told how young or cute I was. I think the sun is beginning to rise on that day. No one will ever mistake me for an eighteen year old again! Not too long ago I saw a picture of myself and a more recent one confirmed what I'd hoped had just been my imagination - I've got wrinkles! Not major ones, but I am starting to look well, old. I'd smugly noticed it in a picture of a friend not too long ago (who shall remain nameless!) and now there it was staring back at me!

This morning I lay in the doctor's office waiting for that oh-so-exciting annual appointment all women must endure. I was acutely aware of my feelings at the moment and thinking about the many times I'd been on those tables waiting to hear my baby's heartbeat, or have my growing belly measured (I'm certainly grateful they aren't measuring that belly anymore!). The happiness of those days seems so long past sometimes. Yet, I also realized that I don't feel any different than I did then. I don't feel ten years older. I dawned on me that if I were to be having a baby now I would be considered high risk due to my age and the baby would have the increased odds of various birth defects. But I don't feel ten years older!

Life is changing. The gray hair is growing faster than the colored and Sally Beauty Supply is becoming a regular stop on my shopping rounds. The scale will never again allow me to wear a size 6 (ok probably not even an 8 and I'm afraid 10 could be not too far off!). The medications in the cupboard are beginning to stack up. It's strange. I don't feel old. I'm really not old. But I have realized that teenagers no longer look at me as someone they can relate to - to them, I'm old.

So, when I asked the doctor about my recent weight gain I'm not sure what exactly I was feeling as she circled my age and told me that that was the reason. Was she giving me permission to gain weight? Was she saying kiss that old body goodbye? I think I heard something more like, "It's ok. Quit stressing about it." Sounds so simple. But how do I let it go and accept that without also accepting what it means? I'm getting older. Things change. No wonder they call it mid life, you're neither young or old! There are a lot of thoughts going through my mind and none of them are easy to get down. It is just strange. Not sad, not scary, just strange. I'm waiting for these feelings to fade and for this to become the new normal. I am afraid that may never happen though. I'm not sure we ever feel as old as we are! Life is changing isn't it.