Answers? Answers! Answers?

I knew I wasn't crazy. I really knew it. Somewhere deep, really deep, inside I knew I wasn't crazy. There had to be an answer. All my years of experience had to have amounted to something. Not to mention a mother's intuition. I've learned to trust that intuition over the years and I don't think it has failed me yet. But what happens when you can't get anyone else to trust it? What happens when the doctors tell you you're parenting wrong, the therapists say they "just don't see it", and the teachers declare, "he's an angel"? What happens then? The feeling of being alone was persistent. There was hardly a day that went by when I didn't try to analyze and figure out what I might be missing. I probed the internet, the library and everyone I could get to talk to me! As we trudged from appointment to appointment year after year I prayed fervently that this would be the answer we were seeking. Perhaps this would be the beginning of the end. Therapy, surgery and books could not alleviate my fears though. They could not "fix" my child. Did he need fixing? Or did I? Why couldn't I find the answer? It had to be out there, but where? So I talked and I read and I researched and I talked some more. To anyone who would listen. Then one day, I talked to the right person.

It was certainly not an encounter that I expected much from. I was never even introduced to the woman but I knew who she was. As our hurried conversation wrapped up she rattled off a couple of web sites she thought I should look up. I was able to remember only one of them but I was immediately struck by the name of it alone. The name suggested the complete opposite of everything we'd ever thought about this kid. And yet, as I mulled it over there were some signs over the years too. Seemingly isolated events that when looked at together made me wonder - could she be right? What had I said that led her to that conclusion so quickly?

As soon as I was able to I searched the web site. Maybe I should say I devoured the web site - absorbing every detail I could. I was very skeptical that this would "fit" let alone be so simple. What I read did not tell me how to fix things or make my child easy-going. Nothing I read suggested he ever would be either. And yet I was comforted. Comforted by the fact that I was not alone. By the fact that maybe we had an answer! My own pre-conceived ideas had to be corrected considerably though as I realized this was not something as wonderful as most people think it is. So many assumptions are made regarding these kids and that isn't something likely to change. I could not expect understanding from those who hadn't walked this path. In fact, it would be best if I didn't even mention it to others - at least not to suggest it as a problem in any way. I don't have a problem with keeping it quiet though. After all these years it doesn't matter anymore - just having an answer is all that matters to me. (Which is why this will be the only post you'll probably ever see directly addressing this.)

Unknowingly this child had been given a test that would help us to know if this indeed was what we were dealing with. We only had to wait about a month to find out. After eight years, another month didn't seem to matter - especially since there is no "cure." Well about two weeks ago our answer arrived in the mail. I saw the envelope in the stack of mail and quickly opened it first. Scanning the first paragraph, I found what I was looking for but hadn't fully decided if I wanted to see. "The team recommends that your child be placed in the Aspire Program." There it was, simple as that. There was no hundred pound weight lifted from my shoulders, no immediate gratification. I simply sat there with butterflies in my stomach wondering how this could be and not letting myself get my hopes up too high even yet.

I've spent the last two weeks wondering how we could have missed this and simultaneously reading and learning how. I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. And maybe most importantly - neither is my child. Each step we take now will be carefully measured. The school will have a much bigger responsibility as will I in making sure they are doing all that they can for him. If he is able to attend the recommended class in the Fall it will not be an easy transition for him. And yet as Rick and I sat in a room packed with the parents of other kids who were recommended to this program and listened to the descriptions of these kids - we knew we wouldn't be alone.

Gifted. Seriously. Our child is gifted and we have a lot to learn.