Dang this is going to be hard!

Yesterday was our 5th Family Day. We don't make a big deal of it around here but I did take the kids out for some frozen yogurt and we watched the video I made. At bedtime though, I was hit with a ton of bricks. Paige looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, when will I get to meet my birth parents?" I was so caught off guard and so used to her asking questions but not really listening for the answer that I just answered without thinking. "Oh, Honey you probably won't ever meet your birth parents because we don't know who they are. But we will try to meet your foster parents when we go to China in a few years." There. That was upbeat, simple, and straight forward enough. Typically she would have rolled over and asked if she could have candy after lunch the next day or some other completely obscure thing. Not this time. This time she burst into tears and questioned "Why? Why can't I meet them Mommy? I thought I was going to get to meet them when we went to China." All I could think was, "Oh crap! What did I just do?!" So I held her and tried to explain [i]carefully[/i] why we don't know who they are. She sobbed those gut-wtenching sobs that we never heard five years ago. It had suddenly hit her and there was nothing I could do to fx it. I'm not beating myself up over it because it was going to happen sooner or later, but I did feel awful for her. Her little heart was broken and all I could do was hold her and keep my mouth shut. I couldn't say, "it will be all right," "it's over now, so let's let it go," or, "you're ok now because we adopted you!" HA! What a crock of crap all of that is. The reality is, she was abandoned by or taken from her birth family 5 and a half years ago and nothing I will ever say or do can change that for her. She knows she is loved now but I know that this is only the beginning of a very long road for her. A road of discovery and deciding who she is. She asked, after she calmed down again, if someday she could go to China to live and see if she liked it there. I smiled and told her she could do what ever she chose to do!

The Magic of a Diagnosis

Almost ten years. I've struggled, pressed, and insisted for some help. About a year ago now I finally reached a point of no return and flat out asked for medication. If there was to be no diagnosis let there at least be a means of peace in our home. You read and hear how over medicated our kids are today so it isn't a decision made lightly. There was almost nothing that I read that indicated medication was a good thing. And yet. There comes a point where you have to ignore what "everyone" is saying and trust your instinct. So after nearly a year of trial and error with four different medications we have finally settled on one that appears to be helping. In April I reached my lowest point when the new doctor we'd had recommended couldn't get us in for over three months. I literally fell apart. This was to be at least the sixth doctor we had consulted in nine years and I was beyond desperate. I knew though that a wait that long must indicate a popular and therefore, hopefully, very good doctor.

Then July finally arrived. I had my guard way up before the first appointment. There were about three or four things I wanted him to say or I wouldn't even consider taking Caden. Imagine my relief when we not only liked the doctor but he hit on all of our concerns before we ever had a chance to mention them! The following week was Caden's turn and it couldn't have gone any better. Caden walked out with a huge grin on his face and proclaimed he couldn't wait to go back! How many kids can't wait for their counseling appointments?! To top it off, we were finally given a diagnosis. Just having that weight lifted, being told by a professional and seeing it on paper was such a relief. As I've said before, I knew I wasn't crazy. I knew something was not right. And I knew that if I kept pushing I'd eventually get answers. We got them from a wonderful doctor who is on staff at local universities as well as a highly regarded children's hospital. His credentials are amazing. More importantly though, he is just a really nice guy who makes you feel like he really cares. Caden loves him. So, we now have names for the struggles we've had for years. We now know what is causing what and have goals to be working toward. We have medication to help. The absolute best part though is that for the first time ever, we have a really happy little boy! I can't even begin to tell you how it feels as a mom to know that your child is finally able to have a carefree childhood. To know that he isn't angry, hurting or struggling but just living the life a child should live.

So, today, life is good. We've had a good couple of months in fact! I just pray that this is the beginning of a whole new life for one great kid!