Growing old gracefully?

Well, I'm getting older. I'm not sure when that reality hit the hardest - when my firstborn had his tenth birthday, the second time I bought alcohol and didn't get carded (even though I had it in my hand and ready!), or when that darned scale refused to go down anymore! It seems like lately though the signs are appearing more and more often. My heart literally sunk a bit when the clerk handed me my receipt without asking for my id. I discretely tucked it back in my wallet hoping that no one had seen! Such a strange feeling. I clearly remember being told that someday I'd appreciate being told how young or cute I was. I think the sun is beginning to rise on that day. No one will ever mistake me for an eighteen year old again! Not too long ago I saw a picture of myself and a more recent one confirmed what I'd hoped had just been my imagination - I've got wrinkles! Not major ones, but I am starting to look well, old. I'd smugly noticed it in a picture of a friend not too long ago (who shall remain nameless!) and now there it was staring back at me!

This morning I lay in the doctor's office waiting for that oh-so-exciting annual appointment all women must endure. I was acutely aware of my feelings at the moment and thinking about the many times I'd been on those tables waiting to hear my baby's heartbeat, or have my growing belly measured (I'm certainly grateful they aren't measuring that belly anymore!). The happiness of those days seems so long past sometimes. Yet, I also realized that I don't feel any different than I did then. I don't feel ten years older. I dawned on me that if I were to be having a baby now I would be considered high risk due to my age and the baby would have the increased odds of various birth defects. But I don't feel ten years older!

Life is changing. The gray hair is growing faster than the colored and Sally Beauty Supply is becoming a regular stop on my shopping rounds. The scale will never again allow me to wear a size 6 (ok probably not even an 8 and I'm afraid 10 could be not too far off!). The medications in the cupboard are beginning to stack up. It's strange. I don't feel old. I'm really not old. But I have realized that teenagers no longer look at me as someone they can relate to - to them, I'm old.

So, when I asked the doctor about my recent weight gain I'm not sure what exactly I was feeling as she circled my age and told me that that was the reason. Was she giving me permission to gain weight? Was she saying kiss that old body goodbye? I think I heard something more like, "It's ok. Quit stressing about it." Sounds so simple. But how do I let it go and accept that without also accepting what it means? I'm getting older. Things change. No wonder they call it mid life, you're neither young or old! There are a lot of thoughts going through my mind and none of them are easy to get down. It is just strange. Not sad, not scary, just strange. I'm waiting for these feelings to fade and for this to become the new normal. I am afraid that may never happen though. I'm not sure we ever feel as old as we are! Life is changing isn't it.

X marks the spot

What is it about house hunting? I know exactly what I want but it doesn't exist! That happens to me at the fabric store a lot too but that's another post! Anyway, we have spent the last two weeks looking at or planning to look at houses in our area. My first and biggest concern was to keep Trace at his current school. He has already moved schools 4 times and he is just going into 5th grade. I want him to have some lasting friends and to fit in and I worry that constantly moving him will destroy his chances at that. So we have limited our search to only our school boundaries. We have good taste apparently. This seems to be one of the most expensive and stable areas around which means there is nothing we can afford. So this week we expanded our search to within 5 miles of our school and figured we could try for a boundary exception and I'd just take the boys to school. I did it for three years when Trace was in private school so I can do it again. Unfortunately that was causing me some serious stress and upset stomachs. I didn't want to tell Rick because then he'd get upset at me for worrying about schools again. But seriously, next year Trace will start school at something like 7:30, Paige starts at 8:15, and Caden starts at 8:30! So do I take all of them when I leave with Trace at 7am or leave the youngest two at home and just take him then come back and take them (ok, that's not really an option). So maybe you can see why that was a little stressful for me. THEN...
I was in the pool with the boys yesterday and telling them about a couple of the houses we had looked at. I told Trace that he wouldn't be able to ride the bus but that I'd make sure he still got to his school (not having a clue how). That's when he says, "I'll go to a different school Mom, it's not like I haven't done it before and I'm moving to middle school anyway so what's the difference." Had my child sized floaty been sunk just a bit more in the water I probably would have choked when my jaw dropped! (As it is both boys shrieked in amazement when I got off of it and it had formed an indent where my lovely body had been - nice). So back to the school issue... I drilled him on his motivations and asked him what about friends etcetera. One big issue though is that he doesn't really have any close friends. There just hasn't been anyone that he really bonded with. He always has before so is it one too many school moves or just no one there like him? A new school might give him the opportunity to find that best buddy that every kid needs. However, moving schools is not such a simple issue as walking in and registering. Trace is allergic to peanuts remember? So it will involve transferring his 504 plan to a new school and possibly a new district, educating the staff and getting to know the staff well enough to trust them. Not to mention I've gotten quite comfortable there and feel like I know a lot of people. I'm sick of starting over. I'm sick of educating the world about peanut allergies. But I do want my own home. So that brings us back full circle to the horrible house issue. What we can afford and what we like are two completely different things. Because we lost our shorts on the house in Chicago we have no down payment and because of this stinking economy Rick hasn't moved up the pay scale as planned, we are in a rotten spot. If we settle on something older there could be more maintenance issues. If it needs updating where is that money going to come from and just when does Rick seriously think he'll find the time to do it? If we look in the higher brackets we have to get help and it is no longer "our" house. We feel indebted and tied to the apron strings. So which is it? Of course now that Trace has allowed us to broaden our search we still have to narrow in on only the "good" schools and districts. Does this sound like fun? My stomach is starting to churn again. Oh and lets not forget the debate between a neighborhood and property which is a huge issue. My house is falling apart around me and I took a nap this morning. I know the nap was my way of escaping - maybe I'll go take another. If I sleep long enough will this nightmare be over? I am praying hard for God's guidance but He isn't exactly putting a huge red x on the house He wants for us. I know we are going to have to take a few steps and see if He paves the way or the bottom falls out in order to know some answers. But dang I wish there was a red x somewhere!