Somehow, I don't even remember anymore exactly how, I got to following two blogs about two little girls with cancer. Both were diagnosed last summer and both are really having a fight. I guess somehow in my protected little world I had come to believe that kids with cancer typically survived these days. At least the majority of them. Just before Christmas both families got the news that their girl's odds were dramatically decreased for different reasons. I was honestly shocked and saddened by the news. A few weeks ago Lydia's family had to make the decision to stop treatment, it just wasn't working. They packed everyone up and headed to Florida to watch her enjoy her last days. Enjoy them she has, Disneyworld where she rode Dumbo with her mom for the last time, Toys R Us where she got just about any toy she wanted, a pedicure where the technician cried once hearing her story. Then there's me. Angry for her. Angry that a little five year old girl is living her last days. This little girl who survived in a Chinese orphanage long enough to find a family will not get the chance to grow up in that family. Why? Why does she have to have had a life with so much suffering? Why couldn't her little body fight off this nasty cancer? Why? Why? Why? I'm not angry with God like many would be and I know her family isn't either. God doesn't want to see any of us suffer and he didn't create cancer or give it to anyone. It is part of all the sin in the world and free choice and a lot that I don't understand but I know he is weeping with Lydia's family right now. I check her blog several times each day right now waiting to hear if she has finally earned her angel wings. Part of me wants it to be over so that I can go back to my life and not have to be so aware of childhood cancer. The other part is grateful for each day her family has with her. Why do I put myself through this? I'm really not sure. I think some of it is that I am reminded by their stories how fortunate I am to have healthy kids right now. It reminds me to hug them a little tighter. It also reminds me that my little sheltered life isn't all there is. As I go about my daily living there are those who's lives are standing still. Who will never be the same. I think there is some of me that want's to share it with them. To feel their pain on the only level I can. I really am not sure why.
As I read one of the girl's blogs yesterday there was a link to a little boy who's family just got the news that he is not going to survive. They put their lives on hold and left home too. His blog linked to several families who's children lost the fight last fall. Little Abby is still fighting but she is heading into the scariest phase and she nearly lost during the last phase. I will keep following their lives until they reach whatever end is meant for them. I will probably weep and shout for joy with them along the way. But I will be forever changed to know that somewhere everyday a child is fighting cancer and many of them will not survive it. That makes me angry. Just angry and a little sick in my stomach. Maybe the anger is hurt, but right now I just recognise it as anger that I'm listening to my kids fight and play while they are watching their's suffer and die.
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