When God tugs at your heart

There are times in your life when you know God is tugging. Times when you feel like maybe your imagining it and times when you have no doubt. But, what about those times you hear His call but have no idea how to answer it? What if someone else must be in agreement for it to happen - and they aren't. Or if there are other seemingly insurmountable obstacles? Then what? I just don't know.

What I don't understand is why? Why is that same little face still there? Why am I so drawn to it? I wish I knew God's plan. For him. For us.

Life can be such torture sometimes

Just when I thought we had it all figured out! So, maybe he is gifted. He definitely sees things a bit differently! Unfortunately the new school wasn't the answer I dreamt of. So, a few weeks ago we made the big jump to medication. I think the doctor was a little surprised at how quickly I jumped at the idea; but after 9 years I am completely out of ideas. And maybe hope. The medication was an absolute miracle for the first few days and ever since the dosage just isn't right. It is such torture to feel so close then have the rug yanked out from beneath you. Someday. Oh someday, I pray we have an answer.

Answers? Answers! Answers?

I knew I wasn't crazy. I really knew it. Somewhere deep, really deep, inside I knew I wasn't crazy. There had to be an answer. All my years of experience had to have amounted to something. Not to mention a mother's intuition. I've learned to trust that intuition over the years and I don't think it has failed me yet. But what happens when you can't get anyone else to trust it? What happens when the doctors tell you you're parenting wrong, the therapists say they "just don't see it", and the teachers declare, "he's an angel"? What happens then? The feeling of being alone was persistent. There was hardly a day that went by when I didn't try to analyze and figure out what I might be missing. I probed the internet, the library and everyone I could get to talk to me! As we trudged from appointment to appointment year after year I prayed fervently that this would be the answer we were seeking. Perhaps this would be the beginning of the end. Therapy, surgery and books could not alleviate my fears though. They could not "fix" my child. Did he need fixing? Or did I? Why couldn't I find the answer? It had to be out there, but where? So I talked and I read and I researched and I talked some more. To anyone who would listen. Then one day, I talked to the right person.

It was certainly not an encounter that I expected much from. I was never even introduced to the woman but I knew who she was. As our hurried conversation wrapped up she rattled off a couple of web sites she thought I should look up. I was able to remember only one of them but I was immediately struck by the name of it alone. The name suggested the complete opposite of everything we'd ever thought about this kid. And yet, as I mulled it over there were some signs over the years too. Seemingly isolated events that when looked at together made me wonder - could she be right? What had I said that led her to that conclusion so quickly?

As soon as I was able to I searched the web site. Maybe I should say I devoured the web site - absorbing every detail I could. I was very skeptical that this would "fit" let alone be so simple. What I read did not tell me how to fix things or make my child easy-going. Nothing I read suggested he ever would be either. And yet I was comforted. Comforted by the fact that I was not alone. By the fact that maybe we had an answer! My own pre-conceived ideas had to be corrected considerably though as I realized this was not something as wonderful as most people think it is. So many assumptions are made regarding these kids and that isn't something likely to change. I could not expect understanding from those who hadn't walked this path. In fact, it would be best if I didn't even mention it to others - at least not to suggest it as a problem in any way. I don't have a problem with keeping it quiet though. After all these years it doesn't matter anymore - just having an answer is all that matters to me. (Which is why this will be the only post you'll probably ever see directly addressing this.)

Unknowingly this child had been given a test that would help us to know if this indeed was what we were dealing with. We only had to wait about a month to find out. After eight years, another month didn't seem to matter - especially since there is no "cure." Well about two weeks ago our answer arrived in the mail. I saw the envelope in the stack of mail and quickly opened it first. Scanning the first paragraph, I found what I was looking for but hadn't fully decided if I wanted to see. "The team recommends that your child be placed in the Aspire Program." There it was, simple as that. There was no hundred pound weight lifted from my shoulders, no immediate gratification. I simply sat there with butterflies in my stomach wondering how this could be and not letting myself get my hopes up too high even yet.

I've spent the last two weeks wondering how we could have missed this and simultaneously reading and learning how. I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. And maybe most importantly - neither is my child. Each step we take now will be carefully measured. The school will have a much bigger responsibility as will I in making sure they are doing all that they can for him. If he is able to attend the recommended class in the Fall it will not be an easy transition for him. And yet as Rick and I sat in a room packed with the parents of other kids who were recommended to this program and listened to the descriptions of these kids - we knew we wouldn't be alone.

Gifted. Seriously. Our child is gifted and we have a lot to learn.

The "Good" Mom

"You're such a good mom."

Really? Hm. Thanks.

What is a good mom? What makes other people say that? Is it something that is said just to be nice or does it really mean something? What about if it is said about you when you aren't around? Or if it is said by multiple people?

I'll be honest, I don't think I'm a good mom. Pretty good, maybe, but "good"? I just don't know. As I've watched other people parent over the years though I've come to think there are really very few truly "good" moms out there. Sad but true. Volunteering in my kids classrooms has driven that home more than anything else ever has. There are kids who's parents never take the papers out of their backpacks/notebooks and moms who don't ever show up for their kids events (or send a substitute). Apparently taking our kids to neat places is unusual. You know, OMSI, camping, the coastal lighthouses or old Army forts, and even just down to a creek to throw rocks. There are parents who don't do those things with their kids! So what do they do? I'm not sure. Most of our outings are simply out of desperation. I can't handle the arguing or just sitting around the house so we head out to do something. So, because we do it to alleviate my own sense of desperation I don't think of it as a "good" mom thing to do. Doesn't a "good" mom do those things because she loves spending time with her kids? Doesn't a "good" mom just plain love doing those things? I don't like playing with my kids much either. Oooo - that probably wasn't a very smart thing to say. But really, I just don't have a clue how to play Army guys or race cars. I can occasionally handle playdough. I usually spend any time playing with my kids thinking of all the things I could be getting done. It's boring, ok, there, I've said it. Now I probably qualify as a "bad" mom.

Don't get me wrong, I do love being with and doing things with my kids. But I don't live for it and there are certainly other things I enjoy doing.

I guess what it comes down to, in my oh-so-humble opinion, is how much you are willing to give up for your kids. Having kids is a choice and to me making that choice is also making the choice to forgo your own interests until they are grown. I don't just mean once in a while or most of the time. It is all the time. I don't care if you feel like it, you don't get that option anymore. If money is tight and everyone needs a haircut - the kids get it and your hair just keeps growing. The same pair of tennis shoes for three years? Yep, and the kids get new ones every three to six months. Too tired to drag kids to the grocery store? Too bad, take a deep breath, suck it up and find a way to get through it! It's an everyday, all the time thing. There are a few dinners that I LOVE but haven't had in years because my kids won't eat it. That doesn't mean I cook only for them either though! It is just less important for me to get what I want now.

I know there are those who will argue that you can't give up yourself for your kids. It's not healthy, the kids need to see you working and going out. They shouldn't always come first and you should still have a life. Honestly - that's a bunch of crap. All I hear in that is selfishness. "I need to work to maintain my sanity, or keep up my license, or interact with other adults." "They love to go to daycare and play with all their friends." "We go out every week and the kids love their babysitter." I just don't think so. That's all crap. Your kids should know that nothing else comes before them (other than God or your spouse). You are setting the example for how they will parent your grandchildren! If you need to work so badly then you shouldn't have had children. Seriously.

So what makes a good mom? Feeding them healthy food? Having them on a schedule? Putting them to bed by 8:00. Reading to them? Oh, the list could go on and on. Maybe you have to have a certain number of those things before you qualify? Of course it is all a bit subjective too. There are those who will argue that feeding your children organic foods is the only responsible thing to do or that co-sleeping is best. I'm really not sure though. When people tell you you are a "good" mom, to what are they referring? In what way? I just feel like I could be so much better. There is more I could give up and more I should be doing. My computer time or t.v. time would be much better spent fixing healthier meals, drilling kids with flashcards or playing. Loving your kids isn't enough to make you a good mom. Let's face it, there are plenty of women who love their kids but are terrible moms.

I guess I'd like to know what exactly it is that I do that might make someone say that I am a good mom. Do they wish they could parent more like I do? Do they just think I'm a really nice mom (boy they wouldn't have seen me at my finest then!). Or is there something in particular I do that makes them say that? I don't suppose I'll ever know. One thing I do know though is that I've only ever met a couple of truly "good" moms myself.

And don't even get me started on being a good wife!